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NOTE: As it says on the title, this article is satire, many of the quotes are not really attributed to those who were quoted. (the obvious ones)
Back in Mid-April Toronto police officer John B. Lucky was feeling pretty low. Summer was coming, and he wanted to buy his wife Jane a special birthday present- a brand new Jet Ski. He knew he was in trouble, on the last day of the 2012 season her Jet Ski started spraying oil all over her new swimsuit. He’d just bought himself a new ride. When asked about the incident, Jane stated that “he could have given me his old one, but sold it to the dealer before he even offered”.
His plan was simple, save enough money for a down payment on July 1st so it can be delivered for her birthday today, on August 2nd. But things didn’t go very well, he didn’t get enough overtime in April and it looked like he’d be two or three hundred dollars short. But then, on the week of April 28, the stars aligned. Thanks to a booking snafu at his precinct he got a couple back-to-back shifts, earning some great overtime. But even then he didn’t have enough- he said he was worried that his wife “is going to kick my ass”.
But, then, something magical happened. A group of people from anarchist, Maoist, unionist and socialist obedience cults banded together in solidarity of Officer Lucky’s dilemma- conducting a special fund-raiser for hard working cops across the city!
The plan was as simple. No One Is Illegal decided to put extra effort to increase the size of the crowd at this year’s May Day march. As the plan developed, anarchist leaders took some advice from Alex Hundert- “if we bring more people with masks and sticks, they’ll have to bring more cops!.” This, of course, is a well-practised tactic that’s lovingly known as a CUPE Joke.
When asked about the fundraiser, No One Is Illegal’s Sayed Hussan responded with the following statement:
“Toronto police are inherently repressive towards the anarchists. The stop us from walking onto private property, they arrest people in the movement when they smash up store windows- they are our oppressors! That being said, we knew that a number of city cops were facing financial shortcomings in May, and we wanted to help- soften them up for the 2015 Pan-Am Games”
It turns out a large number of police officer’s Ski-Doos are running out of warranty in the winter of 2015. This is a problem that was perplexing both the Ontario Coalition Against Poverty (OCAP) and No One Is Illegal for some time. Then, someone in their Vancouver chapter reminded Toronto of the upcoming games. “It’ll be just like the 2010 Olympics!” exclaimed NoII’s Harsha Walia. OCAP’s Mark Brill was so excited he threw a chair at a journalist.
When Officer Lucky towed the new Jet-Ski into the driveway this morning, his wife was overjoyed. “I was so tired holding out on him” she said, “we cop’s wives need to get our’s too”. To celebrate, and to show solidarity with their anarchist supporters, the Lucky’s plan to wear all black when they go out tomorrow morning- and they vow to wear balaclavas throughout their day. “Even”, officer Lucky says jokingly, “if Bill Blair threatens us with Bill C-309!”.
In other anarchist news, the Toronto Media Co-Op has come out with a shocking revelations today calling Swamp Line 9 arrestee Trish Mills an eco-terrorist. It’s unusual turn of events- up until Monday, Mill’s most militant action was locking herself to a fence with a Kryptonite lock.
When asked about the Media Co-Op’s assertion that he labelled Mills an eco-terrorist, journalist Greg Renouf remarked “I don’t think so, Trish is more milquetoast than your average smashy, smashy anarchist”. He gave the example of Mill’s “de-arresting” at the Sammy Yatim march this week:
“Mills wasn’t creating terror when she chalked on the police station that night, she was just a pawn. It was the crowd who charged the police station and scared the police into releasing her who scare me. They proved that night that they can put fear into the eyes of the police.”
He then made a final remark- saying:
“This is where things begin to get interesting. It’s also getting really expensive…”